Its easy to see me laughing and smiling all the time. Behind that smile, behind that happiness are constant worries about my life. Just as i thought things were getting better, i get hit right back to the ground. Im too tired to fight back though im not giving up. Where the wind blows, i'll just follow. Whats the use of planning your life but nothing goes your way? Im too tired physically and mentally to do anything. I dont know how to react to the upcoming events. Im afraid bad things will happen and the best part is, i dont even know what to do to make it right.

All i want was for the better of you. To make your life easier. A higher pay, good atmosphere, i can even pick you up and send you home. Most of all i just wanna be with you all the time. Im tired of worrying if you've eaten or not. Im tired of being angry when i see bruises on your hands/legs. Im just tried of trying to persuade you that there are better jobs out there. Its okay i'll be more understanding from now on. I shall not pester you anymore cause it seems that your happier working there. Im not trying to be sarcastic here. I dont wanna force you to do something you dont want. Im sorry for forcing you. This time its my fault. Truely it is.

I love this!

Make Model-
Honda CBR 400RR

Year-
1987

Engine-
Liquid cooled, four stroke, transverse four cylinder, DOHC, 4 valve per cylinder.

Capacity-
399

Bore x Stroke-
55 x 42 mm

Compression Ratio-
11.3:1

Induction-
4x 26mm Flat-side CV

Ignition / Starting-
Transistorized / electric

Max Power-
59 hp @ 12500 rpm

Max Torque-
6.44 kg-m @ 10000 rpm

Transmission / Drive-
6 Speed / chain

Front Suspension-
Telescopic forks adjustable preload.

Rear Suspension-
Showa gas/oil shock with adjustable preload and compression

Front Brakes-
2x 275mm discs 4 piston calipers

Rear Brakes-
Single 220mm disc 2 piston caliper

Front Tyre-
120/60-17

Rear Tyre-
150/60-18

Dry-Weight-
162 kg

Fuel Capacity-
14.5 Litres

Im sorry

The more i try, the more damage ive done. I dont know what to do. When i try so hard, it gets worst and when i dont try at all the outcome will still be the same. What i read really demoralized me. It seems that all these while ive done nothing. Nothing at all. Ive tried so hard. Everything and anything i could and to read what you typed, to know what youve been through. I dont know if i can genuinely make you happy. Basically, i dont know what to do anymore. Haiz.

From the start i told myself id never give up. But even the strongest dimond can break. I tried to be strong in front of you. To give you the confidence and to give you the motivation to persevere but i dont know how long i can handle this. I cant cheer myself up everytime you throw a tantrum at me. Sometimes i want you to be the one who cheer me up and make me smile. Sometimes i just want you. Im clueless in what i should do. What i should change. How to make you truely happy. I wonder if im the cause of all these. If you would be happier without me? Will you?

It takes alot of courage to type this out as ive been keeping this in me all these while. I dont want to let you know that im not as strong as how you think i am but i must let this out somewhere and the only place i know is here. I know someday you'll read this but please dont think that your useless and such. Maybe it could be me who cant make you smile. Have you ever considered that when you type all those words at your blog? Im sorry for not being there when you need me the most and im sorry i couldnt make you genuinely smile all these while. I never want to lose you but this has to stop. Im afraid i cant hold on much longer. It hurts when the person i love is sad but it truely hurts a lot more knowing i didnt make her genuinely happy and all these while its just a plastered smile.

Please god help us.

Its 14th october! Yessa the day love will come back! Im so excited to see her later on and im so gonna give her a huge hug! Okay i'll just give a short briefing about what happened today and i shall quickly go to bed.

Basically sit at home and texted love. Did afew exercises after quite some time. Its time i start pumping up again. Well something happened in the afternoon. I was playing the com when some number called me. When i picked it up guess who it was, b's mum! Freak i was trying my best not to sound nervous or anything. She asked me if im fetching love tomorow cause if i fetch love then she'll just stay at home. I told her i'll definitly be fetching love home and dont worry about anything. That was some scary shits man. Facing her parents is wayy scarier then facing some mats. Hope her mum have a good impression of me after being called sombong! grrr your gonna tell her that its your fault eh b! hmph!

oh and guess what? I passed my subpaper! WAD and DBIS! I am so so glad i got through it! I had a feeling i failed but thank god i didnt. Dane helped me with WAD and i really owe him one. Thanks dude! DBIS subpaper was harder but luckily i managed to passed. Im a happy happy dudee!

B quickly come back! I fuckin miss you already! <3

Its the 13th of october 2010! Its love's birthday!

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY MY DEAREST!

hees at last someone turned 18 today! Like finally we could watch movies without worrying about it being rated M18. A year older and definitly a year wiser. Too bad shes at cambodia now and we have to delay her celebration to this saturday. I hope she enjoys herself on that day.

Do you remember this sayang?

"First of all, Happy 20th Birthday Love! <3

Vivo. Karate Kid. Marina@Keppel. Anchorvale. Today is an Adventure day for us. Sorry love to make you walk so far. It kinda spoilt the day. Heheh, Next time dont ask me to decide anything okay? But it’s kinda fun since you piggyback me :D

SOMEONE IS NO LONGER TEENAGER! HAHAHAHA

Dear Mr Boyfriend,

I hope you enjoyed today and most of all, the gifts. Especially the scrapframe cause I did my best. Heheh though i think it didnt turned out that nice. Oh well, I hope you like the wallet too cause You freaking need a new wallet! I just want you to know that you’ve been the greatest boyfriend ever who truly appreciate me. Do you know how cute/sweet/caring/etccccc you are? I cant forget your tears of joy. Im surprised/shocked but at the same time, I feel so happy that you like the gift. And you got to be the best thing that happened in my life. Love you dear. Forever and always! ♥"

You gave me such a wonderful birthday and i pray that i can return the favour to you. I just hope i wont dissapoint you again this time. All i want is for you to enjoy the day, put aside your worries and be as happy as a girl can be. Dear god let that day be a smooth one. Please grant me this wish, if not for me, for her. Thanks god!

Okay im getting excited just thinking of it. hee! :D

I basically didnt do anything today so theres nothing much to update about. I slacked at home, did some exercise to tone up and thats it. Eventhough i got to her love shouting like mad due to a lizard, im glad i did. I miss her so much right now and the feeling of hugging her is so strong. Haiz i hope she comes back quickly and safely.

I love you baby <3

Haiz. i dont have the mood to talk about anything right now so i'll just say out whatever that i did today. i went out to vivo for a job interview with farhan. went to J8 after that to celebrate nadiahs birthday surprise and went home straight after that.

It was just a minor misunderstanding. haiz.

Nothing much happened today besides the fact that i took care of the shop alone again when my cousin is suppose to come down but couldnt. His cousin is giving birth so he went to visit. Oh and did i say CTE was jammed so badly due to an accident? 3 cars in total. I never liked weaving in between traffic cause i have to concentrate when i ride and that i dont like. You gotta enjoy the ride and relax. Not get tensed up and all focused especially in the morning.

So alone i was over at the shop. Luckily brought my computer with me or i'll be dead bored. Oh and something happened! I was in the store searching for a tricycle when suddenly the pole which held ladders, rims, tyres etc just gave way! best part is on top of my head! fuck now my head hurts but the good thing is, i know what earthquake feels like, i guess? xD went home straight and called love. it was great to hear her voice but we had to put down early since a 1 minute call would cost 4 bucks. I want to have small talks each day so we could talk every single day till she comes back. Shes not replying and i hope shes okay. Im worried for her knowing im not there if anything happens. haiz take care of yourself b <3

You smile, i smile..

I love day 3! Hehs theres a good reason for that! Its not because i worked back at the bicycle shop after so long. Not because i had a good long sleep(but that was nice too). Not because i took care of the shop alone BUT because love gaved me a surprise call when i was at work even though she didnt recive my text saying i couldnt call her! I was so happy to see that freakin long number of her prepaid card. hehs we talked for a while which i basically ignored the customers who entered. Nobody is gonna interrupt me! id even close the shop if necessary! hee that really made my day. thanks love! :D

The rest of the day is damn boring. Took care of the shop alone cause one of the part timers paitau. Not bad if there is a laptop. I was basically stoning throughout. Nearly slept lah even. Went home immediatly and waited for love to be online. She went online but the connection over there is fcuked up! Still love is being so sweet and called me to tell me she gaved up on the internet. damn you b for being so sweet when you know its gonna make me miss you more! I know your reading this and i know your smiling like a retard but im so gonna pinch you when you come back! grrr!

I hope we can talk tomorow though but i dont want love to waste her money on prepaid cards. We'll see how lah but were definitly talking on tuesday night! :D

When missing someone feels like part of you went away, you should know that she means the world to you <3

Its the second day love is at cambodia and im dying for her to come back. Idk why it feels as though i miss her much more when shes away overseas compared to when shes in singapore. whatever it is i just know im missing her badly because almost the whole day im thinking of her. What is she doing, is she fine, is she having fun, has she eaten etc etc but i cant ask her simply because texting is limited due to the price. Also i dont wanna be an interruption to her since she will be having lotsa activities going around. I just have to pray that everything goes smoothly for her and she comes back safe and sound smiling widely.

So here im gonna start about what happened today. Hmm to be honest nothing? Went home from msia at around 1+ to 2pm. Reached home and just slacked till around 7pm. Dad called and asked me to get ready to go to one of my uncles open house. Went there after quite some time. I kinda miss them. Got to know one of my cousins just had an accident. Thank god he is fine. He just suffered a fractured hand but his bike is totaled. First thing accident check bike. Standarddd. hahah!

Talking about bikes, im saving up like mad just so that i could upgrade to a bigger one. I just hope the bike is in mint condition so it wont create any problems. Now i just want to save save and save somemore! Okay enough about bikes. Lets get back to what happened today.

I went home at ard 12 and i just waited for love to text. Was expecting it to be around 3am but i recived a text from her at 1 plus. Was so happy and immediatly called her. She said the shops there closed early so all of them went back to the hotel. Hearing her voice is all i need just now. Too bad someone couldnt reply i love you too since her goodie room mate was beside her right? heheh! I just hope i could hear her voice sooner or later but im afraid it would be costly for her. Haiz nvm we can still keep in touch via text or online :D

Take care over there b! I know that you know that i miss you and i love you <3

Its still the first day and im already missing her so bad. haiz 7 more days to endure. this is so gonna be tough.

Heres a brief summary of what i did today. Went out at 11am and met dad at JB shell. Parked my bike at his house and we proceeded to the shop. Im suppose to go there to work but well i basically did nothing the whole freakin day. Went online, facebook, played games, listen to music. It was damn boring but the fact that i get paid to basically relax was kinda nice. I just want to work as much as possible so i could get my RVF before my first year with love. I want to go out with her using that bike! hehs i hope i get to do that.

Love went online at around 11plus but i was out cause dad and his workmates wanted to have supper and discuss about business propositions. haiz i really wanted to chat with love so bad since at night is usually our chatting time and i miss her right now. I'll be in spore tomorow so i hope love will be free and we could talk for awhile just so that i could hear her voice.

Your voice is all i want to hear right now <3

Love asked me to update my blog daily when shes away so she could read it when she comes back and i promise i would so here i shall start.

Well i sent love off to the airport, followed her sis's car from behind. Was rather feeling lonely without her behind me. Could have been a nice night ride with her.

When we reached we went to the departure hall and sat at polars before declaring her luggage. Then her parents waited at the departure hall while we went to have either supper or breakfast at BK. Its been long since i ate onion rings. Kinda nice even though its at 5am. 530am is the last call so we rushed up and bid farewell before she went off. Haiz im already starting to miss her. Her smell just now when we hugged at burger king is nothing less then heaven. Whats left is her jacket with me and im gonna sleep with it every day till she comes back.

Dear god please let her trip be a safe one. Please protect her from harms way and let her enjoy herself over there. Amin.

Im already missing you baby. Please come back quick. I love you <3

Tonight, i will never forget.

If only there is a manual to you, id read it countless times and memorize it just so that i wont ever let you down. haiz.

Have you ever gotten the feeling that you've screwed everything up till the point you cant change it back? to feel that you dont know what your doing in this earth anymore and that your just bringing down the people around you? well im having that feeling now. im clueless about my life. i dont even know whats the use of me living anymore. idk if im under stress right now or i really feel this way. sorry you had to read this crap i wrote. i just had to let it out somewhere, somehow. haiz.

Since someone said my blog was rotting, so i shall start to be active once again.

Okay recently had an outing with the dickies and shikin to sentosa! It was a so called 'last' outing before asy head in to camp. Someone becoming a man already! hehs. Nice weather, played monopoly deal, daidi, soccer and just swim! Met love after that and went to have supper at jalan kayu. Love finally get to meet my dickies! hehs its been awhile and she ought to get to know them. It was a blasting day no doubt!

*pictures starts from bottom up. dunno why its like that -.-

Its 19th june 2010!

Guess what? Im twenty! damn it i feel old seh. No more teens at the back. hehs but to think of it, its kinda cool growing up and such. Anyways i wanna give a big shoutout to every single one of you that wished me by facebook, twitter etc. Thanks a bunch! I really appreciate the thought! :)

So more about my celebration. Love booked me for the whole day. hehs it was the first time she planned everything out and i am so proud of her. She decided to head down by public so we did. It was time we got off the bike and travel by other transport. Well i'll just summarize it, we went to vivo, watch karate kid(was a good movie though the storyline was expected), went to marina at keppel bay, got my presents specially made by love and finally to anchorvale to end the day. It was the best birthday ever! ^^

Time wasting at toys-r-us before the movie started. Someone seems interested to get one. hehe xD

Chilling at Pacific Coffee
Damn those eyebagss, i need more sleep!

I love this picture! ^^

Drink was damn choclatey!

While she rest, i snapped!

hee ^^

Busy opening the gift love made me!

What i call a perfect photo of us

Oh and did i mentioned that she look gorgeous? I cant stop staring at her :D

We got a passerby to help us take this pic. He was nice to help us but sorry to say that his voice seriously sounded like a girl. hahah!

The gift love made me. I love it so much!

Love also bought me a wallet since mine gone missing. It has a place to keep coins! ^^

~

My beloved girl, this is specially for you.

Ive said this to you before, that you are becoming sweeter and sweeter as days past. This time, you've topped it. You have become the sweetest girl ever. Knowing you took time to set everything from where to go and what to do which normally i would be the one doing, i find that really sweet. The minor glitch was kind of a blessing in disguise. We had an adventure and also i got to piggyback you for the first time, on my birthday! hehs for once i felt that we were riding since you hugged me so tightly. Every single thing that happened today was perfect love. From what we did the whole day to the gifts you made and bought for me. I especially loved the frame which touched me deeply. You made me feel so happy i now know what tears of joy felt like. How i wish i could pen down my feelings into words just so you know what you mean to me. Our hearts are glued into one. Yours and mine, together. Forever.

I love you Nur Umairah with every beat of my heart-Mohamad Haikal

Love,

I really dont know what i said/do that suddenly sparked the doubts. I thought everything was fine in the afternoon. My heart was on cloud nine when i saw the smile so wide on your face. The both of us were so happy. You said you couldnt make me happy, but why was i feeling so happy and high? It was because of you. It was all you. It was because we got through the darkest times in our relationship, together. You made me apprechiate life as it is, happy and cheerful, living a care free life. You mean the world to me Umairah. I will never give up on our love and on us. Your my dream girl. Belive it love.

Our hearts are glued into one. Yours and mine, together. Forever.