Here are some funny lines;

Women don't want to hear what you think.Women want to hear what they think- in a deeper voice.
Bill Cosby.

First the doctor told me the good news: i was going to have a diesease named after me.
Steve Martin.

What i need is to find a women who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
Mike Birbiglia.

I went to McDonald's yesterday and said, "i'd like some fries." the girl at the counter said," would you like some fries with that?"
Jay Leno.

Jews and blacks express our sufferings differently - blacks developed the blues,while Jews complain. we just never thought of putting it to music.
Jon Stewart.

As long as there is algebra,there will be prayer in school.
Larry Miller.

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
Joan Rivers.

You don't get married to get sex. getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.
Jeff Foxworthy.